Prologue and the beginning..

The girl once loved a boy much older than her, he was like a brother to her. She would do anything for him yet he never saw her in a different way than a little sister. Whenever she had a problem he would help her, so in order to get his attention the girl would often hurt herself. Yet the God punished her and stopped the time on the day that one of them had to die. The day kept on reapeting aimlesly and the boy died each time a horrible death. Everytime she woke up the same day has started, she was locked in a time capsule in this Nightmare's land just for them, each time trying to save the boy yet failing. The day reapeted many times and the girl could not stand it anymore, her mind was so twisted from seeing the person she loved dying, all she wanted was to be together yet she realized that in this punishment in the end no matter what one of them will die, they won't survive at least not both of them, I can't save him and be with him, so I'll die for him. 
The supriesed God realized the girl have understood her sins and let her time float again. The boy's memories have been earsed, yet yours haven't, both of you will live your life's without knowing each other and you will never be able to meet, no matter how hard you try. Your existence has disappear in both his heart and mind, and your soul and emotions too. Your life will have no longer any meaning and you will not be allowed to die, yet. You can freely enter the world of perfection and the truest wondeland. This is the price you paid your soul, things without a soul are perfect you now may enter your wonderland, where no one other than you can enter, you can freely live without the objects called humans you hated so much. Being in the wonderland means stopping the time in real world without wasting any time for real life, yet you yourself can do anything, even speed up the time if you don't want to live yet you won't die. The boy's memories have been locked here along with your feelings.Yet even without them I bet you want to look for him, you're now free to love him all you want even without any emotions of love which you don't posses. Just then the girl realized that what she called a God was acually a devil, the Death God.
He would watch her suffer, as she slowly lost control and could not go on living again. The times she wanted to meet him, the times she aimelesly tried to save him, how she tried to kill herself just to be with him he closely watched from a safe distance, laughing and grinning at the suffering he caused her, not being able to let go of his toy, his puppet.

I conitnued to live my life without him, my live was nothing more than a routine. The empty days I spend were aimless, I continued to live with a hope that I'll find him again, locked somewhere on the other side of the wonderland. As the time past the colours of the world vanished from my eyes and it itself became nothing but a hopeless gray landscape. The emotions of people that i couldn't understand anymore, when they cried I was left unscarred and I began to think is that what I felt back when I still had my emotions. Closing my eyes I imagined the world only for me, a place where I belong to, the place were I'm free of everybody else ,the only problem is that this place is and never will be real. Those feelings have always made my heart unsteady and left an impact that made me almost lose control and the long days seemed even longer. The fact of still having to live was killing me everyday, thats why the reality is worthless, in the 'wonderland' no one can disturb me, talk to me or hurt me. My wish is to stay in that world forever or to simply disapear from the view of everyone in the place where I can look for him and be somewhere at least close to him.The continous empty routine of the days I lived were very usseles and hopeless, and most certainly not needed, it was very tiring. My life with no passion, hobby or future dream and reason was a torture. The fact that I had to continue living was my worst nightmare and sin. The tall and beautiful sky, I waited for it to end my endurence giving me gentle salvation of the end, with this hope the days passed by really slowly. The slow melody of the music box often gently playing inside my heart would make it tear apart into shed of pieces, yet this kept me alive, the melody of the music box. Gently stroking past my ears as it played almost too quiet to hear. Even with people and my family I acted this perfect like act and put on a mask that would hid everything away not offering a hint of emotion, with this I created those walls between everyone I known, not getting too close to anyone and keeping a slight distance from them. I hoped that the day would continue like that forever, even hating my life I couldn't help but not wanting it to change after being too attached to the routine people called life. The pure humans would never understand the pain of my life and lies I have to burden every day with a smile on this scarred face. I won't die, I can't die no matter how much he won't let me. Gazing at the high skies were the building I can jump from, staring at the knife while eating the food that lost it's taste and that makes it hard just to swallow it through my throat. I still go on somehow putting an act of a perfection to all the people I know, he was the only one who could see the real me. He's not here anymore, not my lover, friend, big brother or even my neighbour, I was ripped off from the privaledge of being anything to him. But he's there somewhere, just wait a bit longer until I find him. So please wait for me.

The Continuation...

The story of this horrible happening started way before we were even born, I'm sure we were destined to meet each other. And even if we ended up like this I won't regret meeting you because every second we spend together was the best time in my life that's why I won't regret it, I'll remember it and instead treasure forever. That's why when we do meet in the end I'll thank you for everything you done up till now and still apologise for my actions that caused everything else. Did you love me? Or is this something I should already know, yet I was blinded by the darkness that led me into this state that's why please forgive me, I'm not sure how to pay you back, I guess that my punishment will go on. But I think it's not harsh enough because I'm still earning for more. Fighting through everyday with humans and my lack of emotions. This fate led us to nothing but misfortune, at the very beginning when I saw the boy's face my young heart fell in love and I couldn't stop it from aimlessely chasing after him. At first he took care of me, played with me and I was as happy as someone could ever be. But when you want it to the time won't stop for me and the cheerful days continued for not very longer after that, the time passed and you stopped caring for me. I were no longer someone special to you, you pushed me away, started to fade away from my eyes. That's why you forced me to hurt myself, you said you'll take care of me if I'm in trouble so in the end you must fullify that promise we made. I hurt myself, cried and then run over to you. I lie, you belive and then comfort me. I hurt someone , you take my side and help me. It always been this way so why have it stopped working. Has cinderella's clock hit midnight and the magic stopped, then cinderella cried and was all by herself again. And her most precious thing was taken away from her without leaving the glass shoe behind. I didn't care about anything else then him, not my family, friends or even myself. I was ready to do anything, I was bullied, I bullied people, I hurt people, Got hurt. It kept on making me closer to you, yet you still haven't noticed me or my feelings towards you. You started dating girls your age and left me behind again, they disliked me, hated. They thought of me as annoying treated me like trash yet you didn't say anything. I was scared even terrified of you leaving me behind again. Not knowing what to do I created some space between us to see if you regret leaving me behind, if you miss me, yet you didn't. Forced to it I started behaiving stranger, my mind twisted but that wasn't enough for you. I took another step forward into a world I never wanted to enter. Leaving my old friends behind I started to hung out with gangs, I stopped coming to school, fought with my parrents, took drugs and even sold my body but it was worth it cause in the end you reacted. A smile came over my ruined face as your existence started to blur from my vision, did I die? The drugs effect took over my body and I ended up in hospital. Thats about the time for my punishment, I played with people's feelings so many time that even the devil decided to punish me.

When I woke up the day has started. It was still before I started getting influenced by the community of drug addicts. I remember that it was the happiest day of my life. In this day I went on a date with the person I loved. Just the two of us. Strangely this time it hasn't ended up like before, come to think of this, is this a dream, a flashback. Since afterall I know what's going to happen and I've seen this all before so why in from of my eyes I can see his face covered in thick red blood. The picture in front wasn't clear but more unbelivable than anything else. The sight of the boy's death have reached me and I screamed in despair, just then when I opened my eyes I was back in my bed and it was morning again. This horrible nightmare chased after me through my date with my beloved one. The blurry image in my head made me dizzy each time I thought about it, it was just too realistic. And then it started again. The exact smae situation as in my dream begun. I knew I had to do something or overwise it will continue just like in my dream yet I already have realized that it wasn't a dream. I grabbed the boys arm and started running away, I couldn't care less were to run as long as I could protect him. Yet in the end I failed. The boy died in a different way this time and then I saw him. Standing somewhere in the crowd, my eyes full of tears saw the same person as yesterday. Or should I say today since there was no yesterday, the day reapeted again and even in this blurry vision I could see that crrepy grin of his, just like a sadist he played with me his toy. Nobody else seemed to notice the fact that the days stopped moving, I even tried to explain to my beloved that we must run and hide or he'll die. But he thought I was crazy and running away from me he got hit by the car when he wasn't watching. Day by day, he helplessly died in front of my eyes, with me not being able to do anything. After this my mind kept on twisting and the stains left behind the images of his death took a direct hit into my heart. Not being able to stand it anymore I decided to do what I had to. In order to beat the fate I must die. I realized that in the end one of us will die, we can't live anymore together without one of us dying. So at least it can be me this time. Afterall I want to protect him even if it means dying. I'm already broken this was the path I had to choose.It kept on repeating up to the point were I choose my second option. I sprinted with all I had and as I pushed the boy's body away me myself jumped in from of the car.

Right now I'm still here. I'm living. Somehow after this I was let to live without him looking for him every single second of my life. Up till now I met two types of people, the one who's blessed with beauty and the one's blessed with talents. This doesn't mean that beautiful people are stupid or untalented or that smart people are all ugly but this is just a pesonal opinion. Yet I was blessed with none. The way they all shined in my eyes made me disgusted, so in the end the tags of the humans were placed. The stereotypes of people and their jugdment was put on by me. I started placing them in categories as I was almost looking down on them. I had no right to do that, but I myself new that more then anybody else.

He couldn't take his eyes of her. It's forbidden. But even with that thought he couldn't take his eyes of her even for a second. Was she beautiful? Were you simply captured by her apearence? No? Then was she a good pesron? Did you love her pesonality, her smile and her kindness. No? Do you love her? No? What is she? 

A toy. A puppet in it's masters hands. An enjoyable toy almost addictive. With this in mind I can't leave her, the fun has only just started. I love her to the very core of her fragile body. I love that grieving face of hers, seeing her suffering is like honey on my heart. Heart? Just kidding demons don't posses an organ like that. But with all I have I love to see my toy suffer so much that I'm the cause of all of hers suffering. That expression, those tears, that blood and injuries. They all make me so satisfied, so happy. Those tears, blood and emotions all belong to me. You were made for me to play, and with that in mind you belong to me.

I'm a monster, aren't I... After all even Gods hate me

It's too late to pray...


The Next Thought...
Humans live with a will of completing something. If they won't complete the task they been given aren't they useless. The God that wont grant wishes wont help anyone. Let the golden ray safe us as the sun lights the fire to the painted windows. The fire started.
Was it too late now. To ask God for forgivenes, it's too late isn't it. But no Gods will save me, but wasn't I granted powers of the God himself. then what does that make me? A god? A devil? A risen? More like a sinner. The days still continued no matter how many times I speed them up using my power. Come to think will I get any older, could it be I'm immortal now? To be honest I couldn't care less, after all I don't have any emotions of curiousity. I started searching the wonderland. It was truly an amazing place, everything looked so pretty it was the cutest thing any girl ever seen. Full of buildings different sizes and plush toys, buttons and colours from different world. but even with all this I did not notice how amazing this place was, cause the only reason I came there was to find him. Everyday I searched for hours but I couldn't even think of a single place where to look. I woke up, went to school which I hated. Meeting all of those juding eyes made me feel like a trash itself, but what right do they have to judge me. What right do I have to be judge? Thinking they are better than me for some reason. And what if they are, I won't trust humans , I won't befriend them and I don't want to even live with them so let me disapear. I did nothing wrong except from loving someone so why must I be so hurt right now. The punishment I've been given did it really solve anything, I lost everything and won nothing. There was no give and take but just take, thats right it was Karma wasn't it. It hunt me down for all the sins I commited, or was it just his plan. Watching how I suffer each day with that satisfied look on his face.

The days were long. Without anything in my lifew the days were meaningless and started to streach out to a loop of entairnity. It was a torture. When the stupid noise of the begining of the day rung I woke up, stopped from dreaming about the paradise I begun the day like I always did, not giving a hint of difference to the days were I still knew him. At the school life I couldn't care less about studying or making memories like other girls in school. Afterall I'm only living because I have to there absolutely no reason to bother to even try. This was my personal opinion but I don't think anyone would have a different view if they were in the situation I'm in. I didn't bother with the humans I hated. I couldn't help but to sometimes look down on them. Living in the place with no hope is literally hopeless. Is what I was thinking of the town were I was born in, the place I was supposed to belong to. People are also horrible, agnorant creatures caring only for themselves as they pretend to help as they hide their true colours. Creatures that enjoy seeing others in pain and despair. With such monsters in this world nothing will change. Everything will be the same as always, empty and hopeless. The way I see it with the shades of gray and the colours of people, the world is full, they match each other pefectly. Yet I'm different. My shadow is black, the most dullest colour in the world, the colour of nothing yet almost everything. Just blending into the landscape of this horrible and useless gray world not even wanting to stand out.

People's real feelings, they emotions and personalities they trying so hard to hide just so they can fit others people's likes and dislike yet even those are not truly understandable as so they not even real. People do nothing but tell lies and if you can see through even the greatest lair in this world, it's really hard to even try trusting anyone. That's when I started developing my hatred towards every human living on this earth. The gentle yet fake smiles of my classmates, the blue clear tears that been shed for nothing they all just disgust me. If you're not feeling any sadness or deep emotion of sorrow in your heart then there is no point in crying, you're just hurting your eyes for the sympathy of others that is not worth wanting as so it's not real.
 Yes human's are useless indeed, and my deep hatred almost cannot bedescribed in words yet there was nothing I could do about it because this world is nothing but an awfull place filled with pollution called people. No one can change this no matter what they'll exsist and their personalities won't change. Afterall this world would be boring if it was perfect. That's why God's wont grant wishes, they won't save anyone and they won't help. As they are truely amused by the stupidity and actions of the humans that destroyed the place they once created. That's your punishment everybody. Destroyment by going against them was your biggest mistake, and they mad now they won't help. They'll just cheerish how you all pay for it.But the punishment isn't hard enough as the creatures keep on destroying what they got with no appreciation. This world needs a hero, a leader someone who could save the humanity and vannish the sins of the living. A person who could improve the system. But the world is full of corrupted creatures with few indaviduals so in the end there's no one to become the hero as they all broke.
What should I do, in the end it's just hopless. I can't find him no matter how much I look. I can't give up, that's my last hope. Hope? Is there any? Do I have it, do I deserve to have it? Even when his not here he's still my everything. My beloved ,my light and hope and mostly my future. In the end all stories have happy endings so mine might too, I already recevied my punishment and payed for my sins so everything can be just better now. And olne day this will all vanish into memories and be as hazy as a long forgoten dream. He gave me hope, he locked him away letting me have some hope. So I'm grateful cause i can't blame the God as they only anserwed to my sins that I caused upon myself. It's all my fault.

My family begun to look to me like a bunch of strangers. This frightened me and I could not control the emotions that leaked out of the mask. They begun to worry and pity me, which made me disgusted. The eyes full of pity and dissapointment with no hint of worrying about me. All they cared for was their status, as long as I won't do anything that makes my family name look bad to the public they won't even bother to pay any attention to me. Aren't we family? When did it become to the stage that they started only caring about other peoples opinion. Their irony made me laugh. They were now nothing more than the rest of the crowd, corrupted villains hiding their true faces just like a criminal thats about to steal. Yes they stole my dignity and hope in the home I once had. The gentle and warm home which became dark and cold, it all won't come back. They stole my hope in them that I once belived they were at least a bit different fro others. Same with people my age. The fase in the humans life called teenager. Developing into something better with more sense and losing their stupidity of a child as they might become serious gives me a bit of hope towards them. However they just sheep following the crowd.


But I'm here now, aren't I. Or could this be all just a bad dream, the worst nightmare. Unfortunately it wasn't, this was my reality. Sighining my last hopes as my last will burned away and disapeared. For other it may be easy. Living a life with no worries, or should I say no serious worries. The normal things I should be worrying about haven't even once crossed my mind. There is no point. Doing something pointless would be just stupid and I haven't lost my mind up to this extend.

I saw it. The moment I entered the "wonderland" it was there. In the middle of fakely planted green forest full of various plants that never exsisted in the accual world, a small ruby red , old, ruined letter box was standing as the stems of the plants wrapped around it. It looked truely magical. The light from the gaps between the tiny places the trees didn't cover the light gently shined onto the letter box. Was this weird. It's just barely a leter box but I thought I saw it somewhere before. A soul with such huge impact should have forgoten everything wihtout an exception. However somewhere deep inside the memories of the letter box were locked. I slowly started to move forward, still keeping my conciusness.
Unfortunetly when I tried to open the letter box, it was locked. I could see a little keyhole but I could not remember where the key was or if it exsisted in first place.
And the little door of the letter box won't even bugde.
"It won't open, you need the key."
When I turned around the devil stood grining as he knew the anserw to the letter box.
"Do you know where's the key? What is this letter box?"
"Eh? Don't know. But you should know. Do you remember what this place is. The wonderland, just imagine the letter box being open and it'll open."
So I did what he said. The devil not long after that dissapeared as if he lost intrest and no longer had any reason to be here. However when the letter box did open , there was nothing inside it. Haha- what with that. All this for an empty letter box.

"Let's play tag, you're it." 
Now please find me, catch me.

After the incident with the letter box I lost all my hope and did not even feel like entering the wonderland. For that reason I haven't been there for a week now. I calmly sat at the edge of the bridge more than 50 meters from the solid ground. The pasengers all ingnored me. No one thought of helping me or either they did not dare to ut their thought into action. Some even pretended not to see me. Well it's okay not like it matters anyway. Up to the moment some called out. His gantle voice as he carefully picked his words. The girl heard trembeling in his voice as he spoke.
"Why are you doing this. Is it really worth it?"
The girl slowly turned around, not sure if he spoke to her, as she wasn't paying attention half of the messege the boy spoke did not reach her ears. She looked at the boy sarcasticaly.
"Don't think you know me. Geez" are the words she thought.
At first she thought that however at a closer look her eyes widened. The boy that spoke to her looked exacly like the boy she onced loved.
"Could it be I found you" she muttered at a volume only her own ear coould hear and not one else, not the boy's.
Even in that in her mind she knew that the boy could only be similar to the one she knows. And she knew it was impossible that it was the boy that lives in this world as the devil said they would never be allowed to meet. Discoureged the girl lost her interest in the boy.
As their eyes met the boy slowly backed away, the girls empty gaze gave him the impression of the girl mocking him. She got up from the edge of the bridge and started walking in the opposite direction to where the boy was. He felt relieved he could say. However he had mixed feelings about the girls reaction. Hurriedly he followed after the girl.